Today I don't have much in the way of a post; rather a stream of thoughts after this Christmas holiday has past that have been weighing on my heart.
J & I made the 7 hour trip out of town this past weekend to visit family. Family that have only recently come back into our lives and to who we are still gun shy to pull the trigger of a full on 'welcome back!' as the hurt is real. the feeling of rejection and abandonment is still fresh, even with the time stamp on the issues dating back to the early 90's. it's something that I've struggled with because I know in my heart that I am called by God to love everyone and judge no one. I am here to show his mercy and grace and leave the rest to Him; but as a human with real emotions and a memory that doesn't soon forget, I can't help to feel like my time and energy could be better invested in family and friends who have stuck around and been there always; who made the effort with me to be a strong part of my life.
But then I have the nagging feeling that maybe those hardest to love need it the most. so we went. vacation was taken from work. the car was packed to the brim. J & I put on our traveling clothes and headed out of town to see what the next few days held for us.
I was pleasantly surprised as the visit was good. We booked ourselves a hotel room close to their home and we enjoyed our visit; a delicious homemade Christmas dinner, gifts, and quality time on the front porch. I feel that I've taken the first step in loving instead of holding on to resentment and my heart and theirs (I hope) are a little happier for it.
I am not perfect by any means and I definitely don't love the way I'm called all of the time, but making a true effort, I hope will leave some of God's light with everyone I encounter.